Anger

I don't think i ever used to be an angry person when i was younger. I might have been easily irritated at times, but otherwise i remember friends telling me that i was too cool (not in the sense of being cool and funky - but more in the sense of being calm and not bothered). Yet the past few years i have found myself becoming a crazy, angry person. I'm controlled in front of strangers and in public, but insane with those close to me.

I guess firstly i would like to sincerely apologize to everyone close to my heart for all those times i have just lost it and went crazy angry. It was never out of disrespect or lack of love or consideration. It was just that something inside me just clicks every time something bothers me or if i get really upset or if i get hurt. It is impossible for me to hold it in because i begin to deteriorate inside - it eats at me in such a destructive way that in the end it just comes out anyway.

I've been told i have to have control but there is no capacity for control. I know a lot of people will not understand this but even i don't fully understand it. Sometimes i feel so blinded by this rage and all i want to do is grab things and throw it or i just want to scream and sometimes when its someone who has hurt me, i just want to hurt them back. I can't walk away from the problem because i hate things being left unresolved. I can't hold it in because it eats at me inside. The thing is i need to understand why i have this rage in the first place and maybe that will help me to control it. So anyone with suggestions as to how i can figure this out. Please help.

I don't know where this rage comes from and i have no idea how it developed. I don't understand it and i have no idea how to deal with it, control it or heal it. I always end up hurting those around me who i love so much and yet they forgive me and continue to love me, possibly with a little more caution or fear when dealing with me. I wish it wasn't this way. Although i am constantly grateful for this continual love and support.

I don't want to end up being the angry bitter old woman like the ones we see on tv. I want to be the kind fun cute old woman who bakes and plays games with her grandchildren.

It will be a continual struggle to try and figure out why i have become so angry.

Things we take for granted

Now this is a pretty broad topic but the main thing i was thinking of when i wrote this title was air conditioning. I grew up in a country where air conditioning was a necessity. There was not a single building that was not air conditioned whether it was central, ducted or units. In a desert climate where temperatures rise to 48 degrees celcius in the summer, A/C was a must. Especially when winter took up a third of the year with the rest of the year being a warm - hot summer. A/C was switched on 2/3 of the year where i grew up. It was only when i moved to a different climate where winters were cold, autumns were cool and summers were hot (but not as hot as the UAE) and where A/C was a luxury and thus not available everywhere, that i realised how much i had taken air conditioners for granted. With the climate changing drastically around the world, i've found that temperatures are rising higher and higher in summer over here. A city where A/C was a luxury, i believe, is slowly turning into a city that will need A/C as a necessity in a few years time.

We just moved into our newly purchased home and i am trying hard to be environmentally friendly. Its very hard! I try to save water as much as possible and i try to recycle and we deliberately put insulation in our roof cavity to regulate the temperature inside the house. Recently we had temperatures of 35 degrees celcius which by desert standards is not bad. Thanks to the insulation, the house remained cool-ish inside, but still hot and stuffy, even with all the windows open! Now we are looking at ducted air conditioning. I know i know, the energy we waste etc etc. the electricity bills... but i see no other way out. Fans are useless in the heat considering it circulates hot air around the house. There was recently an incident with portable a/c units where it blew a circuit and burnt the house down. So that was not an option (and in any case, we have old wndows that wouldn't work with the portables) We had a split unit but that also fizzled out (on the hottest day ever - see next paragraph)

Before we got the insulation, we had the hottest day ever at 41 degrees celcius (That was teh day our existing split unit fizzled out). What a nightmare. I was so desperate for some coolness, that apart from having cold showers to cool me down at regular intervals (at night by the way not even during the day) i resorted to melting ice on my bed so i could lie down on cool sheets. Now if thats not desperate i don't know what is. At least during the day i could have gone to an air conditioned mall and spent the day at a cafe drinking iced chocolates and fruit juices. With all the windows wide open and the air so still, you would not believe my joy when i was woken up in the middle of the night with gale force winds banging our blinds on the window sill. It was heavenly. I stood in front of the window and let the air wash over me. What a relief.

So i survived a 41 degree day without A/C or insulation but to be honest, i do not EVER want to do that again. EVER. EVER. EVER!

So all you people out there with A/C. Appreciate it. Bigtime!

My first blog - ever!

Congratulations to me. I have finally taken a big step and started my own blog. I will now be exposing my inner thoughts, feelings and opinions to whoever will be reading. (My sister will probably be the first) I must say it was my sister's encouragement and inspirational writing that encouraged me to do this. So thanks sis. That and the fact that its good practice for writing.

I am hoping to be an author and the first step is to practice, practice, practice.To actually declare that to the world without knowing if you're actually any good at writing in the first place - what do i think i'm doing?! It is extremely difficult to open up and just expose yourself to the world. Ok maybe not difficult to write it down, but knowing that other people will read this is probably making me more cautious with how or what i write. I'm hoping with practice that will change. For now, please endure the formal technique with which i am writing.

I've also got a million things swarming through my brain. So much, that my writing feels unstructured to me and probably reads pretty badly. But thats ok. This is my first ever blog and i have no specific topic to talk about but the fact that it is my first blog. Oh well. More will come. I have now moved into unchartered territory for me and the world is now my oyster. Till next time...