Anger

I don't think i ever used to be an angry person when i was younger. I might have been easily irritated at times, but otherwise i remember friends telling me that i was too cool (not in the sense of being cool and funky - but more in the sense of being calm and not bothered). Yet the past few years i have found myself becoming a crazy, angry person. I'm controlled in front of strangers and in public, but insane with those close to me.

I guess firstly i would like to sincerely apologize to everyone close to my heart for all those times i have just lost it and went crazy angry. It was never out of disrespect or lack of love or consideration. It was just that something inside me just clicks every time something bothers me or if i get really upset or if i get hurt. It is impossible for me to hold it in because i begin to deteriorate inside - it eats at me in such a destructive way that in the end it just comes out anyway.

I've been told i have to have control but there is no capacity for control. I know a lot of people will not understand this but even i don't fully understand it. Sometimes i feel so blinded by this rage and all i want to do is grab things and throw it or i just want to scream and sometimes when its someone who has hurt me, i just want to hurt them back. I can't walk away from the problem because i hate things being left unresolved. I can't hold it in because it eats at me inside. The thing is i need to understand why i have this rage in the first place and maybe that will help me to control it. So anyone with suggestions as to how i can figure this out. Please help.

I don't know where this rage comes from and i have no idea how it developed. I don't understand it and i have no idea how to deal with it, control it or heal it. I always end up hurting those around me who i love so much and yet they forgive me and continue to love me, possibly with a little more caution or fear when dealing with me. I wish it wasn't this way. Although i am constantly grateful for this continual love and support.

I don't want to end up being the angry bitter old woman like the ones we see on tv. I want to be the kind fun cute old woman who bakes and plays games with her grandchildren.

It will be a continual struggle to try and figure out why i have become so angry.